Under The Cue

Under The Cue

Under the Cue is a blog about family, genealogy, emotions, or anything else that suits my fancy.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Truth

It's important to tell the truth. Am I being untruthful by not telling my mother that my brother is ill? I'm having a dilemma about telling my mother that her son has Parkinson's Disease. My mother has high blood pressure. Very high. I think that if I tell my mother about my brother being ill it will cause her to worry and she could panic. She might even try to go see him. The problem with that is she doesn't know where he lives and he doesn't want her to know where he lives. They have a flawed history and so he has decided to separate himself from her and the rest of the family. He told me he didn't want to know anything about her until she was dead and buried.

One of my sons seems to think I should tell my mother and she has a right to know. He is right but if that causes her too much stress and she has a stroke or heart attack then he is not the one who has to take care of her. I and my husband are taking care of her. It has not been easy when she gets very sick because of her high blood pressure or other health problems. I help her by cooking for her and taking her food. I wash her dishes, help her by shopping for her or when she can walk I take her shopping. I help her with all of her errands. I wash her clothes for her and take them home and sometimes put them away for her. I take her to the doctor,the hospital ER, and for a while physical therapy three times a week. I help her sometimes with her bills. I take her to the bank and out to eat. My son who wants her to know the "truth" calls her on the phone sometimes.

This problem came up before with this son when my mother's brother died. I told my son I would go to her house and tell her in person that her brother had died. He had passed away about midnight and his daughter, my cousin, called me to tell me. I told her I would go and tell my mother in the morning. There was nothing she could do at midnight anyway. She was probably asleep and I thought she needed the sleep more than to feel bad all night. She could face it in the morning. My son called me in the morning and asked if I had told her yet and I told him no, but as soon as I dressed I would go to her house and tell her in person. When I arrived at her house she was on the telephone talking to my son. He had called her to tell her the bad news. I got mad at him and asked him why he had done that. He said she had a right to know. I told him that she is elderly and sick and he should have told her in person and not on the phone. If he had taken the news badly then she could have fallen, had a stroke or something.

Now her right to know is the subject again. But this time she is even sicker than when her brother died. So I called and told my son that I had spoken to a nurse and she said to wait until her doctor says she can be told. Which is true. I had spoken to her nurses supervisor on the phone just before I talked to my son.

My son says I'm trying to be God and control everything. I think he is trying to be God by not considering how hard it would be to hear this bad news. I wonder if my son has some lingering resentment toward my mother that would cause him to not care how it affects her. He says to let God work it out. He thinks God can use this to help her some way. My other son sees it my way.

My brother is ill but he is the one who chose to be away from the family and to not speak to my mother. He has separated himself from her before for seven years. If he doesn't worry about her well being then why should I risk her having a stroke or heart attack just to tell her the truth. What makes his illness more important than hers?

Where does the truth lie?