Am I Necessary?

July 4, 2007

I felt so tired all day yesterday because I stayed up until 5:00 am today. I laid around and slept. I ironed clothes. About 9:00 pm I started to get ready to do down to the 4th of July Celebration on the river. There was a Phil Harmonic Orchestra, rides, food, thousands of people. My husband told me he had invited my mom to go. I was not thrilled. We went and picked her up and on the way there she saw a place on the side of the road where people were gathering and mom said, "Just let Joe and I out here and you can get lost." I can't remember what I said. I think it was, "You want to get rid of me and have Joe?"

Mom also told me that she had told Joe that we were going to Yukon's Festival. Either that or she said that they had decided to go to Yukon's 4th of July Festival. I told her I hadn't decided where I was going and I started to name all the places where there were events for the 4th of July. I did this instead of confronting her and him. It hurts to know that your nothing but a spare tire. I felt like that in my first marriage.

The guy I was married to the first time would go and to talk to his mom every day after work. He would come home from work and change clothes and then head straight for his mom's house. They lived right next to us on ten acres. They would make plans for everything and then they would come and tell me what they were going to do. If I wanted to go along I could go and if not they didn't care. It was as if my mother-in-law was the wife instead of me. That went on in my first marriage with my mother-in-law and now my own mother wants to do the same thing to me.

I don't understand why this happens? These guys must have something in common. I know the common denominator is me but other than that what is it? What am I doing wrong or what is it about them? I know that my husband now will talk to his family and then when I ask what they talked about he just says nothing much. Yet they talk for a long time. I wonder if he is making plans with them and I'll find out later. I know he has made plans with his friends to go places and then he tells me about it. He never consults me unless he needs something from me. Maybe I'm not necessary.

Am I Smart?

May 30, 2006 is the date this was entered.

Last week, Thursday, my mom had a dental appointment and I offered to go with her in case she needed help driving. When we got on N.W. Expway going East from Rockwell she told me to get in the left lane. I asked whey and she realized she was turned around. The dentist office is inside a large office building and I stayed out in the hallway. It's really nice in the hallway because they have lots of plants and several small fountains with fish. I sat down and wrote checks to pay my bills. After her appointment we walked around the walk-way inside the building because it is so beautiful there and then we went to Wal-Mart.

In the Wal-Mart parking lot she didn't want me to park her car by the shopping basket return. I wasn't going to park there in the first place. I had only driven by while finding a place to park. I found a place three spaces from the basket return and asked if three spaces was too close and she called me a "smart ass." Then she said that I had only wanted to come because I wanted to shop at Wal-Mart. I thought for a few minutes while we walked into Wal-Mart. I decided to respond because I had only wanted to help her. I told her that when I called her I had no idea she was going to Wal-Mart. She told me she was going to the dentist and I only wanted to help her. She apologized. I accepted and forgot about it. We were going to get her makeup and stopped at the clothes and we stayed there. I tried on all kinds of clothes. She sat in the dressing room with me.

She told me she was going to get her makeup after we got through in the clothes section. As soon as she got her makeup she wanted to leave. She wouldn't say what was wrong. I hadn't finished shopping and felt irritated. I kept asking her if she could sit at MacDonalds and eat something. She was holding her stomach so I thought she was hungry. She kept saying she needed to go home.

Was I smart to call her and offer to help? She seems to think I'm a smart ass. I guess I should have told her, "Thank you, I am smart enough not to park your car next to the shopping basket return." I know she feels bad a lot of times but she won't tell me what is wrong so it is very difficult to know what what to do. I knew she wanted to go home and she was holding her stomach. It is very frustrating to go with someone someplace and then suddenly they want to leave with no explanation. She has done that other times and as soon as she is finished shopping she wants to go. It doesn't matter if I'm shopping or not. I imagine she is sick and doesn't want to tell me. I think it is because she doesn't want to worry me or to have me try to fix her. I thought it was because she just wanted to control the situation. Who knows?

Grandma's Trinket Box

What did I buy you for Christmas? I bought you a piece of the wind. I put it in a bottle so you could open it in the winter when you're in a stuffy house full of stuffy people.

I also want you to have a trinket box I found in grandma's hope chest. I opened it last spring early in the morning and caught the sun's first rays, and the smell of the morning mist on the magnolia. Keep it and take what you need, but leave some for tomorrow.

Lie down here beside me my precious, and I'll sing you a lullaby. It begins with love, and ends with love, and in the middle is the story of Jesus. A love lullaby through and through. If the angels join in it will be a lullaby symphony made just for you.

Shhh...Listen! Do you hear God's whispering wind in the magnolia tree? The wind is God's breath saying, "I love you." Maybe that's why it's December and the magnolia leaves are still green. If God's breath can make the leaves green, just think what it will do for you. So when you're in a stuffy house full of stuffy people, open the bottle of wind and listen to Him whisper, "I love you."

Remember too grandma's trinket box filled with the spring morning sunrise and the smell of mist. With it you'll always have the hope of Spring in December. It wasn't in grandma's hope chest for nothing.

These are my Christmas gifts to you. The bottle of wind, grandma's trinket box, and my love lullaby. Listen now as I hum it for you. It is the same song the wind sings in the magnolia leaves, "I love you through and through."

[I wrote this as a Christmas gift for my two sons, James and David, many years ago, some where around 1989.]